::I've been looking at my life from an outsiders point of view and I feel that my life isn't fulfilling. I haven't found what I really want in life and there's something missing from it. I don't know what it is but seriously something is missing in my life and it isn't love or something like that. I mean I feel like my life is totally just out of something I mean can't everyone else feel it too?

Don't tell me I'm the only one that isn't satisfied with who I am and totally feels it is stupid to stay the weak way I am. Cause if it is then I must definitely be Indie and such but I don't wanna be that way. I want to feel I belong somewhere instead of feeling I belong nowhere. I don't want to be a lone wolf or a loner, I want to be happy with my friends and be something with them. Right now I feel I'm only bringing them down and becoming a burden when I used not to be. I feel like I'm alone in this world due to my flaws. I'm not good in sports, studies or gaming compared to their standards. I mean I can't link with them that way. I see the world in a different way than them sometimes and it makes me feel like a freak.

I don't know what else to say about it. I'm just confused and frustrated. I need some rest from everything....::

.:Fireport blogged on 9:19 PM:.

::

Your Birthdate: October 10

Independent and dominant, you tend to be the alpha dog in most situations. You're very confident, and hardly anything ever shakes you. Mundane tasks tend to drain you - you prefer to be making great plans. You are quite original. When people don't "get" you, it bothers you a lot. Your strength: Your ability to gain respect Your weakness: Caring too much what others think Your power color: Orange-red Your power symbol: Letter X Your power month: October

::

.:Fireport blogged on 4:55 PM:.

::I got an A2 for English. YES I AM THE HAPPINESS RIGHT ABOUT NOW THE FUNKS SO BROTHER CHECK IT OUT NOW THE FUNKS SO BROTHER. yeah thats about it

The rest I have left to say is that I GOT ALVINS iPOD IN MY HANDS AND I'M HOLDING IT HOSTAGE
MUAHHAHHAHAHHAA::

.:Fireport blogged on 4:06 PM:.
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::

What You Really Think Of Your Friends

Darrel is your soulmate. You truly love Rujun. You consider Alvin your true friend. You know that Rainie is always thinking of you. You'll remember Yonghua for the rest of your life. You secretly think Ganesan is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times. You secretly think that Vinodh is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker. You secretly think that Iris is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Iris changes lovers faster than underwear. You secretly think Sam is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Sam has a hidden internet romance.

::

.:Fireport blogged on 10:04 PM:.

::::

.:Fireport blogged on 3:32 PM:.

::Today is a girl-free post day. Yep you got it that means I'm not going to ramble about how much of a fucking emo I am and why I'm sad and all that jazz. Cause its a BLOODY SUNDAY and I decided I'm going to live for more than girls and music.

I'm going to live for games and sports too now hahaha but mainly just living for myself is good enough already.I mean I can survive without any friends and all that but what good would that do? Wouldn't it just make life boring and such. Humans can live alone if they want but what makes us want friends and feel lonely is boredom but fret not my dear readers my friends are jolly enough to make a grim reaper into a jolly roger in a matter of minutes. Their jokes and remarks are enough to make Davy Jones laugh even if he was faced with a million soldiers planning to kill him.

Ok enough about what I'm going to do in the future and more on what happened yesterday.

Went out with the Anti-Noobs or for me the usuals and like spent the whole day out lah. Met up with them at around 12 when I said 1130 due to my ever late habit and also the fact I'm a lazy couch potato that sleeps all day and teevees all night haha. Went down to DG hoping to find King Of Fighters 2002 Super so we could see Alvin and Yong Hua pwn people there like those people were mom's trying to play a game. So basically we had a lot of fun yesterday around the merry old gang. We went to 10 Mile Junction for LAN after coming back from DG. Thats when everything went downhill. We played Anime Fight for the first map and Wei Yang being a new player said that we keep killing him and stopping him from leveling. Sure I admit he was tempting and I ksed a feel creeps by accident by zooming by with my character( forgot who it was) but that was cause I was chasing someone else and he just happened to be nearby. After that match he threw a tantrum, logged out and watched us play DOTA. We not being the hypocrites made it a point that if you wanna leave we're not going to stop you but if you want to stay go ahead. This is not the first time he threw a tantrum and this was also not the first time we decided not to put up with it. I mean in a game when fighting is inevitable why are you complaining of getting killed? When I first played CS, DOTA, Anime Fight or basically any game which involves PVP I was always being targetted for being weak. And so what? I still slowly got my way throught right? God save his soul for this insult on gaming and may he save mine for being a sore loser and not waiting for the last moment in the final match.

Well thats about it ya'll lol
Ciao::

.:Fireport blogged on 7:28 AM:.
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::Today went out to play ball with the usuals and came back around 8 all beat up and tired. Playing sports isn't really my forte but it helps me keep slim and healthy if you call me slim and healthy that is.

My results in my Prelims are horrible unless you say that my English is forever my strong point. I'm happy I did well for my English but not so much for the rest. In actual fact I am very disappointed in myself for not passing POA or Mother Tongue. I'm very much displeased at the fact I was even able to fail a subject which I should be passing. It is unnerving to even see myself fail at something. Well what the heck I just need to push more to study right?

And now please stop reading this post if you're not interested in the part of me my friends are kinda sick of..


Yeah I'm talking about the girl I like. In a small way I'm actually contented just talking to her for that small amount of time everyday online yet I seem to feel very lost when I see her go offline. Something in me wants something more than just talking to her for a short while. I don't know what its called but right now I know I'd be very lost if I suddenly lost her friendship. Its weird in the way I know my friends are more than enough to keep me occupied if I wanted them to but then again everything just seems to fade away into the darkness if I lose her at all.

I want her to know I need her and that I want her. I want to be able to hold her hand and feel her hold mine. I want to be able to see her smile everyday and hear her laugh at my lame jokes and clumsy ways. I want to be able to see her off every night even if that means I get a nice thrashing from my parents. I want to be able to do all that but firstly I don't want to be too late to get her to fall for me again.

I missed the chance once, I don't want to miss it again.::

.:Fireport blogged on 11:08 PM:.
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::What's this sense of desolation and hopelessness I feel today. It isn't me. I've finally slowly am reverting to the quiet self that was me years ago. Being quiet helps a lot I see but I truthfully need a distraction from everything and set my mind straight. I can't hold on to this much longer anymore.

There is salvation and solace in this new form of meditation I am trying which can take my mind of everything but her. Well my mind clears up and there are still aspects of this girl in my mind and yeah but its slowly clearing up. I need to get calmer and stronger before I can defeat that person.

Yeah that's about it::

.:Fireport blogged on 9:11 PM:.
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::I laugh at myself the fool who thought for once maybe fate wouldn't pull a cruel joke on him yet it wasn't meant to be. Oh heaven and spirits around me is it too much to ask just to let me see the girl I like in real life? Is it too much to ask to not let me feel so much torture every time I fall for a girl? Is it really too much to ask just for a bit of luck in my life? Is it really that much trouble for you?::

.:Fireport blogged on 11:13 PM:.

::In a way I don't know why I feel so down tonight. It isn't that I didn't enjoy myself or that I felt insulted by the jokes but there is something that is bringing me down tonight. I just can't explain why this feeling is here.

Could it be that there is a full-moon tonight?....

I just can't say, I just hope I can watch the full moon with someone tomorrow. Haha

I know it's kinda cliche using such a phrase but that's all I can think of with the state of mind I have right now, it's kinda emo but I have to bear with it and just go through the night haha. I'm learning the song Kiss Me by sixpence none the richer anyways so yeah haha wish me luck finding someone to sing it for me haha
Ciao::

.:Fireport blogged on 10:32 PM:.
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::Surprisingly today for dinner I had no appetite to eat at all. It comes as a type of weirdness for me cause I'm usually very hungry no matter how much I eat. But today nothing just seems to want to go down my throat. I just can't figure out why.....

Been reading D. Grayman. Somehow I feel, sorry if this offends DGM fans I'm not a wannabe but, Allan Walker reminds me of myself. Or rather he helps me remind myself what to do when I fail. Reading DGM has made me slowly helped me distract myself from her I guess. But hey if it really did distract me from her would I still be talking about her now? Haha the irony in the truth of the statements I make.

Relax my friends I'm not emo or anything today just feeling very weird and out of sorts in a sense. Somehow the comment from a child that I met who said he envy's my English, to me is somewhat inappropriate due to the fact I'm being critisized my lack of skill in the language by people I meet on the street.

And just yesterday my dad bought Zhang Zhen Yue's album called "OK" and there is this track on the album other than track 1 which is "思念是一种病" its the track number 8 which is "小宇". Reason being it has the message I really want to tell the girl I like right now. The girl I can't get out of my head, that girl which in a way her name echos in the endless halls of my mind. The chorus in my rough translation says that "we won't care about what happens in the future as long as we are happy now, we won't care about the ending as long as the one I miss is you, I won't treat love as a game because the one I'm in love with is you." Haha how I wish so deeply she could hear me sing those words to her and actually believe it and tell me that she would give me a chance to be with her. As much as I hope for it I know it could be near impossible unless we could be closer than we are now which in a strange twist of fate I doubt can happen. And well the ending of the song is "if you still don't believe me, don't fret I'll just disappear from your life slowly and quietly"

Don't tell me I have to do the same as that part of the lyrics, cause even if she doesn't fall for me I wish that we could just still be close friends not cause its second best but its cause she's really that good a person I'm willing to trust every thing I have in my memory with her as I would with the rest of my very close friends.

I'm just at a loss at what to do now.

Why isn't there a compass to guide the lost sailor on a starless night....::

.:Fireport blogged on 7:51 PM:.
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::Here's a story I wrote for my holiday assignment for my teacher.
It's titled Journey and its about an orphan who is in a war. Read on and you'll know more about it.
I hope you enjoy it
Ciao

--
Title: Journey
By: Edward Cheang Xuerong


His breathing grew heavy as he lay on the desolate fields of war around him. The sounds around him were so surreal. The cannons around him blasting away at the enemy which were but only a short distance away as he lay injured on the ground. He could feel himself lifted up and hear the sounds of the medic telling him that he would be OK even though he knew he wouldn't be. He couldn't feel his legs after that last blast had occurred before he found himself on the ground. He knew he was dying.

Thoughts ran through his mind, telling him his life story, his journey, to himself again in slow motion then in fast forward and reverting back to real time as he relived the important memories in his life. The events that had shaped this boy into the soldier he became eventually. The events that helped him feel that he wanted to live more than ever now that he was dying and also the things that made him even more afraid of death now that it was at his doorstep.

His earliest memories were those in an orphanage in a small town. He had sat in a room playing a small ball by himself as he saw his friends being brought away by smiling adults yet he was left alone in a corner to suffer the feelings of loneliness that every friend lost brought. On the outside he might have shown indifference but inside he was on the brink of crying. The disappointment of always being left alone had slowly built him his anti-social personality he would have in his youth.

Falling out of his trance and waking up in a blur finding himself on the floor again and the ground next to him blowing u, he knew that the medic team that was sent to help him had been killed by the artillery fire from the opposing side. Resigning himself to his fate he closed his eyes and his mind brought another memory to him.

Opening his eyes this time he found himself again reliving his memories, this time he was 15 and in a boarding school that neighbored his orphanage. It was an old school that had always taken in adolescent children who were not adopted from the orphanage and it did not matter if it was a male or female, the prime reason why they were accepted in for free was that the principle and head committee had always held a firm belief that no matter how unlucky a child was, it was their prime duty to ensure an education. He remembered that his time there was neither a swell period or a horrible one but there were somethings that had made impact on his life in the long run. He had remembered his friends there, Clifford the funny one and Ross the serious one, the two that had joined him through the 5 years of schooling there and even after graduating, they had lived and worked together before the Great War had started. He remembered how every time Clifford would make a joke Ross would try to make it look like it was foolish to try but always laughed after he would fail to make a stand to Clifford. He would just smile and laugh along with the two of them every time choosing to be neutral in most situations and in others the side that was definitely right.
He smiled as he opened his eyes again this time to see some men trying to stem his bleeding on his right arm and trying to pull him back across the lines after finding him alive.

His breathing turned weaker now as he finally crossed the lines with the help of his nameless allies but even so he knew it was too late to save him now. He knew for one that his journey was at an end and that all was lost for him as he started to tear. His vision now grew blurry as his tears started to swell up and flow down his cheeks. He fear of death slowly over took him as he closed his eyes this time knowing it would be his final time.

This last memory he thought about was when he was about to rush the front lines with his unit and knowing that it would be a suicide mission meant to save the main forces behind. He found himself sitting in a transport that brought him to the front lines. His officer was giving a briefing on what would happen and giving very real consequences to the men. He faced his officer with a grim expression on his face knowing what would happen next after they deployed themselves onto the field. His officer just smiled back and said " I know all of you are afraid of dying. Myself even more so, but keep this in mind and you will stay calm on the battlefield in front of you. A wise man once told me that death was just the end of one journey and the beginning of another. Keep that in mind and your fears will disappear."

Hearing those words he could feel his fear slowly fading away and those who were alive around him saw his face turn from a look of sorrow to a look of joy thus boosting the morale of the men who surrounded him. None knew the reason why he smiled that day but all kept silent during this epic moment as they saw him draw his last breath.

The words of his officer echoed through his mind as he opened his eyes only to find his comrades that were lost in battle surrounding him in giant garden of peace and life. Looking around and seeing his friends who were lost in battle, he knew now that even though one journey has ended for him another was just about to begin.::

.:Fireport blogged on 10:22 PM:.
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::Opening hearts and opening minds,
Intuition you shall find,
In yourself and nobody else,
The answer shall lie...

This was taught to me the day I entered my coven of the religion of the wind. It has been 7 years since I last saw anyone related to the coven. And now today I have felt a surge in the weather that felt familiar to that of my master's. It is a sad breeze to know that he has passed on. I will not reveal anymore of this secret sect but then again I've already said too much.

Silver spoons are born to the rich,
While wooden spoons to the poor,
Steel is wrought from the strongest fires,
Yet wood is brought into the fire,
Metal is the outcome of all cycles,
While wood is the source of all things,
Yet only in flames all things are made....

This is the second verse in the understanding of the elements.

You can call me a dabbler all you want but this is what I was taught when I entered.

That is all..::

.:Fireport blogged on 11:00 PM:.

::Fear...
The one thing all people have. Different people have different fears. Mine sadly is loneliness, something we all feel when we are alone at night. Even sometimes among peers it is possible to feel lonely.

To fear such a thing is to fear losing everyone around you. To be afraid of such a thing it becomes a blessing and a curse. You being too kind to everyone in fear of losing them will hurt you while you being obsessive will hurt them. Yet being so you protect your friends when they need you to be there and thus will keep them there.

This fear of mine is not unfounded. I've never really lost the feeling of loneliness before in my life. Everywhere I go it seems to follow me with every passing day and almost every passing moment. Being lonely is something I have to get used to if I want to live on like this. However that is not the case for me. I want to live differently and not be lonely anymore.

I know why I feel lonely. It is because I want someone to be there to talk to me 24/7 but I know its not possible. But then again I got my brothers and my friends with me. So yeah that cures most of it.

Even with this part cured there is a part of me that still feels lonely on this earth. I know how to cure it but it isn't simple because nothing is ever so simple that I could just let it go like that. And the problem with this small part that eats away at me is that the more I try to let go of it the more it comes back and also the more I don't let go the more it gets stronger. This want, this urge....

I want to cure it but I wish I knew another method than the one I have now.....
Can any of you help me with it...::

.:Fireport blogged on 5:31 PM:.
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::Looking at the lighting in my room the song I'm listening to, "Nothing Last Forever", really sets the mood that is in my heart. Hearing the lyrics "Built a wall around my heart.... Strangely I wish secretly it would fall down when I'm asleep" really goes in tune with my feelings in my heart now. I need to build a wall around it and not let it down again. I have to learn to be strong and live with what happens.

----

ok enough with the emotional self memos that I need to constantly place in my blog and occasionally have some self dialogue to myself about. I have been happily going out with my friends the last few days and will continue to enjoy myself tomorrow before ending it all with K time on Thursday before I have to write my composition.I have all the inspiration I need to write my story and I think I'll borrow some elements from the book "Second Wave" or from the movie "Cyborg She" which I catched yesterday.

Talking about the movie, it is like the ultimate love movie everyone should watch. It has self sacrifice, jealousy, innocence and almost everything a romance should be. Basically every little thing I wish my relationships had. It is a must watch for all fans of Romantic Comedies and Plot Twist. So yeah thats my view on the movie.

Argh running out of things to say. So this is where I say to all , Adios::

.:Fireport blogged on 10:25 PM:.
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